Smart men, not so bright choices: Why Benedict Cumberbatch can't get a date, part 2

  In my current writing resistance, I decided it was time to complete this post - a little writing exercise before slogging through quotations on sacred and secular in early modern drama ( which I'd rather be performing, but that is another story).

 So, given that "Smart Man" in a former post is inexplicably not finding a Smart Woman that can keep up with him, I wondered about local smart men. (Yes, post on B.C. - it does get you reading my blogs) I called a dating service to research the type of clients they have. I was told that they have a lot of many well-educated, creative men. The woman I talked with then went on to describe a new client, a physician who likes the outdoors.

I guess I was suppose to go ga-ga about a doctor, but I am not the camper-girl type and lately I've had to stay inside because of allergies. I wasn't impressed. I was even less impressed when the woman at the dating agency told me the cost of - over $2000 for 6 months! 

Given that I know so, so many smart women, I was shocked. I'd arrange a meeting with the doctor and some of my very bright, beautiful, well-educated single friends for free. All the guy needs to do is SHOW UP! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! PUT IN SOME EFFORT! If you want a relationship that is worthwhile and lasting, you need to put the effort into it now. Besides, think of all the Smart Girls out there. You need to come to one of our meetings.

Guys - go to MEET UP groups. There are so many of us smart, creative women that joined these group in order to meet men. I've met a lot of women there, and too many men with little education or social skills. If you do have these assets you will quickly have dates.

Guys - go to a yoga class. Stay afterward and talk to the women. You'll find a single, bright woman easily. 

Guys - go to creative spirituality groups. Not the dull church or synagogue service but the fun small communities where people talk to one another. You'll meet good and kind women, who are often bright and smart.WARNING - Some communities do have dreary unfriendly meditation groups (such as those found in Minneapolis. Try another one. ). Again, yoga is your better option, especially for music events nights.

Guys - Don't spend $2000+ dollars for a dating service that doesn't understand relationships. The women I talked to couldn't even understand the difference between spirituality and religion. If someone doesn't care about who you are on the inside, they aren't going to find you a good partner.

I care, so contact me. Contact one of the women I know. But, understand if you want a relationship you need to start relating!

Nuns , Cumberbatch, Frozen Peas, and Rituals

 I am an extrovert, getting my energy by being with people. So it is difficult for me to be writing all day. I take breaks by checking on some fun websites for me, including Sherlockolgy- a site dedicated to covering news on the Master Piece Theatre show Sherlock. That's why so much Sherlock material is appearing on my blog, but the articles are providing terrific fodder and search engine hits.

One of the more recent posts on Sherlockology was a link to an article about Sherlock star Benedict Cumberbatch. Apparently, he was in a testy mood or stardom is getting to him, as he constantly used the "f" word and made not so nice comments about fans. Specifically he said that
"....it’s a bit weird when people see you in the frozen pea section and start flipping out."  He also commented about requests for signatures, stating:

... what the f*ck is this need for proof we all have? Why do people need me to ruin the front page of a book with my terrible signature so that they can prove that they’ve met me? Will no one believe them otherwise? It’s f*cking weird, and you don’t question it until it happens to you
http://www.shortlist.com/entertainment/tv/benedict-cumberbatch

  Yes Benedict, it is weird to have someone ask you for a signature. At the book party for my book - for the book I wrote and published - it was still amazingly weird to sign a copy. I never have understood the need to get an actor's autograph, because usually they don't write a book. But I thought about this some, and the above comments.

1.  Get back to Yoga - Your rather surly comments indicate a need to center and ground yourself. You usually appear to have an amazing about of both qualities in interviews, so sorry if you were having a bad day. But think about it. Those people in the frozen veg section may be barely able to afford the frozen peas, and here they see someone who is making a fantastic amount of money doing exactly what he loves to do. Most of us don't get that chance, and many of us must settle at being happy to be able to afford peas and broccoli.

2. You should meet the Nuns of the Bus (nunsonthebus.com).  They will recruit you to join in the cause to stand on the side of the poor, homeless, and hungry. You might be able to buy some people some frozen peas by donating the the nuns or some of the shelters they visit on their tour of the U.S. Maybe Brad Pitt would also recruit you to work on Habitat for Humanity, (but you'd need to clean up your language if you were around his kids.)

3. Ritual - You should know about ritual from the monks in Tibet. Ritual is so much like acting in many ways. It doesn't always make sense why people do either one, but there is something of play, entertainment, and soul speak going on in both. Asking a star or even an author for a signature may very well be a ritual behavior used to honor success. I suspect it is also requested in hopes that some of the success will be transferred to the person receiving the signature.

 I'm sure it's annoying being successful and earning good money, will all the fans and paparazzi. I promise that is I ever meet you I will not ask for your signature, but I would be very happy to sign a copy of my book for you.

P.S. Please do check out assisting Nuns on the Bus, Habitat for Humanity, and other fine organization in the U.S. and U.K. that are working to aid those in need.

Another amusing search term day

   I am glad to see I'm getting readers for the Nuns of the Bus post. The wonderful Nuns deserve ample attention. However.....

 Once again, I found that while the majority of readers are reading about the Nuns, the major search terms people are using to get to the blog are: 

benedict cumberbatch misogyny comm  

 This is just a good guess, but I don't think Cumberbatch has anything against the Nun's or thinks about them in any misogynistic manner.         

Nuns on the Bus

  I usually write of the "spiritual" or ethical in popular culture. Too many of us think of spirituality and religion as stuff of "the church" or loony New Agers.

If you read my post, you know that the purpose of my blog is about revealing how our values play a part in all of life - and yes, how this is portrayed in disturbing or helpful ways in films and television stories. Sherlock does have a play with the spiritual development of a genius, or in one case, a gross forgetting of the underlying important values in the original stories.

What you value most is very much about what perspective you tie yourself to. In the best and basic view of organized religion, we have long-standing spiritual traditions that offer ritual, meditative, and service practices that aid us in creating a better world. Catholic Nuns aren't always thought of as models of these methods. Especially among older people I've heard too many stories of angry, repressed Nuns beating them up at school. They weren't the very cool Benedictine Sisters I met. They taught meditation, danced, and generously gave service to the homeless.  Some were young and beautiful, and some old and deeply beautiful.

Recently, I saw Bill Moyer's show about Nuns of the Bus, who in there own word are:
"Catholic Sisters" who "are missioned to stand with people in need and to be witnesses for economic justice."  On their website nunsonthebus.com, they explain that:

As Catholic Sisters, we must speak out against the current House Republican budget, authored by Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI). We do so because it harms people who are already suffering....

 Beyond issues of big or small government, or assumptions that aid to those in need is developing dependency on hand-outs, they deal with the bigger picture of setting policies that aid everyone.
They oppose trickle-down theory as a hierarchical discrimination against the poor and needy. The reason they do so is the poor are getting poorer and the rich are getting richer.   This is an exerpt about them from the Washington Post, also found on their website:

Catholic nuns’ bus tour concludes in nation’s capital

(Washington Post) A group of Catholic nuns ended its nine-state bus tour here Monday (July 2), speaking out against a Republican federal budget proposal they say favors wealthy Americans at the expense of poor families.

Led by Sister Simone Campbell, the “Nuns on the Bus” rejected the budget proposal of Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., which it called “immoral” and “unpatriotic.”

Ryan’s budget “rejects church teaching about solidarity, inequality, the choice for the poor, and the common good. That’s wrong,” said Campbell, executive director of Network, a Catholic social justice lobby.Nuns on the Bus claims that the Ryan budget would raise taxes on low-income families while cutting taxes for millionaires and corporations, push families into poverty, and kick 8 million people off of food stamps.
 What ever your political view, the point the Nuns bring out is such an important value - we are all in this together.  If the poor get more, it doesn't mean the rest of us get less. In fact, Sister Simone Campbell pointed out that when the minimum wage was raised in California, it injected more money into the economy, and it improved !

  Gross national economies are tricky things, for sure. But some of the fans of the Nuns greet their bus as it travels the country, holding up signs saying "Question Austerity."  It's a good point - you can't just starve people of income and food. It's not just and it doesn't improve matters. We do need to pay attention to legitimate economists on how to improve the economy, for sure. But in all cases, policies based on fear are wrong. Policy that aims to improve the lot of us all isn't big government verses small government, Republican or Democrat, but a valuing of all people. Such policy is not based on fear or simple political jingoism, but historical economic realities. 

 I think the Nuns on the Bus are providing us with a great lesson - use reason, consider the whole. Think of the welfare of all. Do you have these values?

Steven Moffatt is a what? On a difficult week in Minnesota for a Smart Girl

  This had been a difficult, horrible, almost hopeless week for me. Almost no one is returning calls, email, facebook prompts, etc. Given that I already feel so isolated in Minnesota, it's extremely difficult for me to be in this situation. Being hopeless isn't a great value, so I try to get out of it. but the high allergen count isn't helping.

   I did have a day-brightener that made me laugh though, when I checked the statistics on this blog. Readership is up, and the search terms are wild and crazy.

The top terms were:

• Irene Adler Lesbian (so much for her being Jewish)

• Benedict Cumberbatch - my unintentional numbers booster

• Violet Hunter - I'm glad people are ready the wonderful little story of Sherlock's "sister" in The Copper Beaches. Here we find that Sherlock likes art and adventurous teachers.

And the one that is totally amusing.........Steven Moffat Jewish!

Even I wouldn't have thought of that one.

Good words to remember for the day, and not as silly: The one who acts out of love cannot be compared to the one who acts out of fear.

Why I'd rather be in London, or why Benedict Cumberbatch doesn't really have that much of a problem, part 2

  So I wrote the title in order to get some readership, but this is really a second part of my previous post on smart women, dating and BC's courtship woes.


 I've had this list in mind for a long time. I finally decided to write it today, after #9 happened to me today. 


10. Bad Public Transportation

9. Twins games and Parking - I had to cancel an interview today because the city of Minneapolis closed down half the meters because of the game.

8. The In-the- box attitude - The general spirit seems to be "like what I like and do as I do" and then we can be friends.

7. Lack of Awareness about what is going on elsewhere, and an inability to change -  My major example is yoga. Though it was hot 10 years ago in the rest of the country, it is now the "latest" hot trend in Minnesota. This is a little place that needs to open its eyes to the rest of the world, instead of patting itself on the back for being wonderful. With no view to the outside world, this will always be a little, provincial place.

6. A lack of Sophistication - This goes with the above. I wouldn't say this always true after listening to Minnesota Public radio, but when I meet Minnesotans in public I am often surprised at the lack of interest in music, theatre, good books, the arts, travel, film, and spirituality. People go to the Guthrie, but why? I haven't found many interested in coffee and discussion after a show.

5  An assumption that only local is good - The University of California-Berkeley and Gradate Theological Union are top notch schools. I attended them, and did well. So, why doesn't that count locally? People with degrees from less rigorous schools in Minnesota are honored more.

4. Even today, thinking that the world is only Lutheran or Catholic, or secular and sacred. - We do have a multi-cultural, multi-religious state now, but so many I meet have barely explored spirituality, ventured outside their church or synagogue, or even listed to Krista Tippitt on Being.

3. An underlying Conservative life-style that discriminates against women and minorities. Politically this is a liberal state, but see all the above to understand why I think it conservative in many ways. The result is an unintended but very real discrimination.

2. I can't get a date - see all the above and past posts. Are there any sophisticated, thinking men here? My friend said no, they are all in Boston or elsewhere. I hope she's wrong, but .....

1.  I'm treated like I'm worthless. I've had a far easier time in the San Francisco Bay area, and London, where I've found lively spiritual communities, including yoga groups, open discussion about the arts and even education on the streets, a willingness to aid a stranger and make a friend, men interested in talking to me as a smart woman, and even people who appreciate my knowledge and accomplishments. A HUGE THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HAVE TREATED ME OTHERWISE!

   I would like to either

• leave Minnesota, doing the impossible - finding teaching work and performance opportunities in a better city for me,  OR

•  find people like me in Minnesota, maybe some who might even help me network to improve all of the above.

Please do contact me if you can help with either. 

 

Smart Girls Don't get Dates, but Smart Men? Or, you've got to be kidding

  I admit it. When I'm bored with the writing a need to do, I take an internet break. It was a while ago, back when I say the "non-misogynist" comment by Benedict Cumberbatch - the guy who plays Sherlock for all the uninformed.  This article caught my attention, because I simply don't believe it. The story dated from January 2012, but I didn't read it until probably after presenting my "Smart Girls are Beautiful" story.

This is the headline:

"BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH is just a bit too similar to Sherlock Holmes — he is so brainy that he puts off girls. " 

  The article continues by saying that "Tracy Peacock, the actor’s half-sister, has revealed that the star of BBC1’s mega-hit detective series is single again and says those whirring grey cells are to blame."  

Of course, this comes from the same journal that declared the actor the "sexiest man" in Britain. (www.thesun.co.uk/.../Benedict-Cumberbatch-Why-Sherlock-Holmes....".  I don't really think he has a problem getting a date! And, since smart girls do have problems finding eligible men, I simply do not think it accurate to say that he or any smart men would have difficulty finding an attractive women who would be able to keep up with them intellectually. There are too many of us smart women out here who are single, and looking for men who can converse with us! 

I think the problem is perhaps not that smart men are idiots at finding smart women, or vice versa. I don't think it simply an issue of self-esteem, men having too much of an ego and women not enough, though that had often been the social norm. From my own experience, I do think the issue is: 

1) Communities that are Isolating.

2) Disdain for thought and intellectual pursuits. 

3) Friends that are unwilling to provide assistance, fearing they might become "matchmakers." 

 Communities    I will say that I've had less of a problem finding work and friends in bigger cities with a more highly educated populace. For this reason, I love London and the San Francisco Bay area.  I find it incredibly difficult to exist in Minneapolis/St. Paul, finding it a place for people that fit into nice, neat little boxes. Even with that, I know of far too many smart women who can't get a date. It's not a matter of maintaining a relationship, but of even finding a man who can think.  Apparently that is too outside the box for Minnesota. 

 I had one friend tell me that the smart, sophisticated man doesn't exist here, and she may be right. It may be easier to meet people in a bigger city because you are living in more of a fishbowl, and more likely meet new people. But what then the trust level?  To combat this problem, some have suggested churches, synagogues, and the like for meeting decent people. They obviously haven't been one of them lately. At least where I live, the conservative, old, or married with family attend religious institutions. It's not the place to find a single man, but you do meet a lot of single women, even in the more creative, progressive places. Then there are the yoga centers that try, but don't have a clue. I attended one Friday night yoga "happy hour" that was suppose to be more of chance to meet one another.  Apparently no one told them you have to do more than put a bottle of wine on the reception desk, hoping that people stay and talk. I also tried a Sunday morning class, and while the teacher was so warm and friendly, no one in class talked, and seemed even reluctant to have a new comer in class. 

   Part of my experience is, again, life in Minnesota; people here tend to the cold, conservative and unfriendly as far as friendships and spirituality. There have been exceptions, and I'm very grateful for them, but these exceptions more times than not have been people coming from elsewhere, or like me were rather forced to move back. How many others communities are like this though?  I remember when living in Berkeley, the San Francisco Public radio station did a program on loneliness, and they had an overwhelming number of calls. I will also add that despite the number of men I did meet, I still found it difficult to find a date. So this lead me to the next issue. 

Disdain for Intellect   Well, there were smart men who liked to talk to me. But I think a lot of men there and everywhere have walked away from me when I started to talk.  

Men, what is your problem with smart women? Do you feel inferior? Or are you simply looking for a cheerleader rather than a life partner? 

 I once was making a joke before a yoga class, and a man in class yelled at me. I was in tears by the time he finished his little tirade. His problem was that he found the joke too intellectual. Those of you who know me understand that I'm very right brained, and definitely the creative, artsy type. I'm also very tender-hearted and aware of my feelings. I also like to think. It's been almost a survival thing for me in the left-brained world. But so what?  People who like to think are still people worthy of respect, so why the dissing?  

Friends who run away  Everything I've read about dating states that the best way to find someone is through friends. My response is always "you've got to be kidding."  Given the above, no one seems to know where the single, smart men are. They also can't seem to be bothered, and say something ridiculous like "dating site on web."  Please, those are for shoppers, and I think the stats on those sites show that the most popular person is the young secretary with hardly an education.  

  

  I do know of two wonderful women who are trying to establish a happy hour mingle for single women, inviting appropriate eligible men. But they may be having problems finding men. It should be all networking, and I've always told my friends I'd help them think it through, and try and connect them with at least a good group to attend. Most are reluctant or simply have given up. Sorry, but I do blame this one on men, and especially smart men.  

Smart women are beautiful; they think through relationships, and work through difficulties. Smart men? Maybe Ms. Peacock does have something to say after all - find a smart women. It shouldn't be that difficult; there are too many of us who are very unhappily single.